The Path to Success is not always what it seems

Sometimes the cost (of success) is physical, impacting one's limbs, in more ways than one.

Oftentimes the impact is not only skin deep.

Perhaps questioning or doubting one's skills in the related fields; experiencing cut-throat, merciless competition; working extra long hours and still wondering whether one will succeed.

If someone had told me that being successful would also include feelings or experiences of betrayal, mistrust, angst, loneliness, isolation, or anxiety, I do not think I would run to the front of the line to sign up for the punches.

On the flip side, if someone told me that my difficult, gut-wrenching experiences have a significant role to play in the success of what I am and will be doing, I would view my past experiences in a different light.

I am not usually one to ask any 'why me' questions.

And, I try to look to see how my experiences, however painful and isolating they may seem, are opportunities for me to grow as well as situations in which I can help others.

If some of my circumstances took place to pave the way for success, the pain feels different, the interpretations of those experiences change, and the forwards goal steals the stage.

Cheers to success!

The Grouchy Butterfly

Plenty of life's worthwhile experiences come with difficulties, struggles, and pain.

Training and Pain

Cutting teeth. I still have memories of itching gums and experiencing pain from new teeth emerging (through the gums).

Figuring out how to read. Sounding out letters, putting together sounds, and attempting to pronounce words, is maddening, when one wants to be able to read and speak right away. After learning to pronounce words and read sentences, more obstacles come. One has to figure out what sentences collectively are communicating. Learning to read is not cake.

Training for a sport. I remember years of tennis lessons, camps, private lessons, practicing. Running suicides, strength training, learning to shuffle from base line to base line, running forwards and backwards from the mid-line to the base line, training the body (and hand-eye) coordination to hit balls to particular spots on the court involved a lot of sweat, sheer exhausting effort, and dedication.

Learning to play an instrument. I started taking piano lessons when I was four and a half years old and continued through high school (and then some private piano for credit at the university). Practicing scales and arpeggios, finding ways to effectively and beautifully play through trouble spots in pieces, minding dynamics, working on playing technique was boring, frustrating, painful, at times.

Learning about oneself and maturing as a person is no cup of tea. I am giving a talk on identity tonight. There is too much to be said to include a concise summary here. Suffice to say that truly learning about oneself, to start; takes patience, discerning, self-reflection.

All for Something Better

We invite and endure such struggle and pain, with the expectation that the finished product is well worth the investment.

With teeth, we can enjoy so many more varieties of deliciously tasty food.

With the ability to read, we are less limited and have so much more access to the world.

There is something to be said about mastering a sport. By 'mastering' a sport, I don't mean becoming a world-famous athlete. In the process of immersing oneself in a sport well, one has to take care of the body in many ways: eating well, looking after the heart through cardiovascular training, toning one's muscles, training the mind to work with the body. A person's body is being refined and molded.

As for music, I have so much fondness associated with music. Though the years of practicing and competing were tough on different levels, the diligent effort has allowed me to express myself through music (and other arts), be an accompanist, and enjoy communicating through music.

Regarding personal growth and maturity, I am not afraid to identify or examine my feelings. That is not to say there are feelings I do not particularly enjoy or appreciate, whether sadness, despair, loneliness, feeling alone, or anger. Through the ongoing process of getting to know myself and growing, I have gained a much more robust and meaningful understanding of who I am.

My Pain of Writing

My struggle and pain for today is pressing forward with writing. 

Figuring out how to communicate the underlying message in the book through showing and not telling, learning to prune without cutting out vital information, encouraging and being generous with the creative, inviting the imaginative out to play, keeping in mind all of life's lessons whilst writing, allowing the characters' personalities to take their unique forms, believing I have something worthwhile to share.

Balancing my daily responsibilities (which keep me running nonstop, with precious little sleep) with writing is difficult. I have yet to figure out how to do that well.

Yet, I am attempting to hold steadfast on to the hope that my work of fiction will not merely make or a good read but will transform lives.

Being Good to Oneself is not Being Hedonistic or Selfish

I am in a place or position where I put the needs of others before mine. That has often left me eating long past due, sleeping less than I need to function properly, and leaving my own time to whatever meager crumbs remain.

The trouble is, functioning that way resulted in a startling wake-up call that forced me to rethink and reorganize my own rank and role in the priorities. No longer can my existence or my well being be ignored nor my basic necessities denied.

I need to sleep. The ideal is a minimum of six to eight hours a day. Though that sort of sleep is not likely to happen on a regular basis, I have a goal towards which I will strive.

I require more than just three meals a day. And I should not be waiting and eating, hours after the typical eating times. My body needs Essen every 2-3 hours.

And, I am finding out that I need to be doing some other things to be good to myself.

Not Selfish

Making sure I am part of the living and realizing that I can better able care for others by tending to my needs, is not being selfish.

It is not for the lack of concern for others that I care for myself or tend to some of my needs.

In fact, without eating well or sleeping enough, I could easily be rendered incapable of assisting others.

Not Hedonistic

Perhaps some of the non-basic needs I am adding to the list of 'to dos' to be good to myself might be categorized as frivolities or pursuits of pleasure (for pleasure's sake).

You may take whatever interpretation you desire. One should be able to exercise free thought.

But, I am doing the best to improve the quality of my life by discerning and choosing with care.

By taking better care of myself, I am better equipped to do those other things I spoke of at the start.

Not Just An Orphan

Last week, I saw a powerful documentary about a Korean pastor, Pastor Lee Jong-rak who has provided refuge for those who have been deemed unwanted or rejected. He has provided a safer place, a 'drop-box,' where unwanted babies can be placed; instead of being abandoned in the cold abrasive elements of the outdoors, left to die. Beyond providing safe temporary refuge, Pastor Lee has adopted a number of these little ones into his own family.

Many of these little babies are babies of unwed mothers, babies of teenage mothers, babies bearing disabilities of various kinds.

Lover of the Unloved

The story of Pastor Lee's heart, mercy, and being known as a "lover of the unloved" goes much deeper and began much earlier, with the family's second child, a son: Eun-man. Eun-man was born in June 1987, with a massive cyst on his cheek and severely debilitating cerebral palsy that would make his limbs sticking out at strange angles and confine him to a life laying on his back. For the first 14 years of Eun-man's life, the family of four, for all intents and purposes, lived in the hospital.

Yet, Pastor Lee continued a life living in the trenches, accepting, ministering, and loving the 'unacceptable' and the 'unloveable,' not just those of blood relations. He tends everyday needs, showers them with affection, and loves them.


Unacceptable, Unwanted, A Sense of Not Belonging

Those babies were left, abandoned, because the timing was not right, the biological mother and father were not wed, or the baby bore some sort of difficult or debilitating disability. Some might have struggles resulting from the mentioned issues.

Though not everyone has experienced such things, many can identify with feeling unacceptable, unwanted, a sense of not belonging,

Following the showing of the documentary itself was a discussion/interview with various individuals, including the Director/writer, Brian Ivie, who admitted, if memory serves me correctly, though he bore no visible disabilities, he felt he had disabilities on the inside.

Perhaps we are plagued by not getting into a sufficiently prestigious school, failing to perform on a par with someone's standards, not looking perfect, not getting promoted within a particular time frame, not making enough money, not having the right perspective on what matters, not getting approval from loved ones, the list goes on.

The feelings are real and can be very painful.

Feelings of being unacceptable and unwanted can be so strong that they lead to dire consequences: cutting, drinking, doing drugs, other self-destructive behavior, or committing suicide.

Not just an orphan

What if there is a message of hope here for us all?

Those feelings of inadequacy are very real and should not be ignored.

What if, in spite of those feelings, there is not only acceptance but a very real embrace of who we are, as we are (not as we should be, could be, or would be)?

Pastor Lee shared in the documentary, "The Drop Box," that he is sharing God's love.

I daresay he is not the only one who is trying to share God's love in a very real, tangible way. However, what he shares and imparts is life-changing.

Food for thought: what if each one of us is not only accepted but embraced for who we are?

We are not just sitting or standing before empty chairs and empty tables, with no one to care and no one to listen.

Success, based on What or Whose Standards?

By the standards of the world, my profession, and my paying work, I would be the model example of failure in my career. I am not attending conferences, hobnobbing with fellow colleagues in the field, and I am not keeping up with current research and publishing.

It is time to throw in the towel and call me done. Look up the word 'failure' (to do one's job well) in the dictionary, and my name and photograph will be found in the definition of the term.

Wait a minute.

I am still here. Do you believe that I have accepted the stamp of 'failure' to succeed in my career?

Sometimes I believe I might have. Looking at social media updates with "tenure" in it or noticing the lengthy running credits of friends' recent academic accomplishments can be quite unnerving and intimidating.  Or drive me into despair.

But, I have had a strong feeling that I should be doing the project that I have been undertaking, until the work is done. Whilst in process, I have nothing to show that convinces anyone that my intuition not anything more than a flight of fancy but is grounded in something significant and worthy of attention.

My (academic) training has no small role to play in the undertaking of this project. I love, with a deep passion, my field, my discipline. And, no one is going to take away how doing/studying the discipline has shaped and will continue to change my life.

Am I a success? Will I be a success? Let us not start from the unknown but the known. I am going to finish this (monumental) project I started. Godspeed, please!

Going Beyond Appearances is Dangerous, Unpredictable, and Freeing

I stumbled upon an article on fake olive oil article this morning. We have been duped into purchasing fake olive oil masquerading as virgin olive oil. A desire to pursue health benefits has been trumped, at least in part, by the need to save money.

We want save money, and sometimes going for the cheaper prices involves a significant sacrifice elsewhere. Oftentimes it means someone somewhere is being paid unfair wages insufficient for sustaining basic needs. In the case of olive oil, there seems to be indication that ingesting fake olive oil can be detrimental to one's health. If we take something at face value, the information we get can be deceptive and is, at best, partial. Doing some more investigating offers a more robust and comprehensive view. I definitely care what goes into my body; so, I will be more careful when I shop.

What happens when we take this consumerist mentality towards our interactions with people? Granted, matters concerning people are always more complicated and less clean cut. People have thoughts, feelings, preferences. And people seem to have abundant obligations with precious little time and energy to fulfill them. We cannot realistically invest in everyone's lives. I get it. I live there.

But, what if judging people by their appearances is misinforming, misleading, or offers only part of the picture? An individual, who is now a close friend, after finding out I have a PhD, was intimidated and would not approach me for the longest time. There are circumstances I might enjoy giving off the air of being intimidating - at academic conferences or when students try to weasel their way out of their responsibilities. But, being intimidating and unapproachable is not me.

There is so much deeper, beneath the surface, beyond appearances, insofar as people are concerned. Once we have some comprehension of the stuff beyond what is skin deep, we begin to have greater insight in to the person as a whole.

Indeed, looking beyond appearances requires time and energy. The risk is much more far reaching than that. Becoming acquainted with people is unpredictable and dangerous. We could discover messy stuff about someone else, too embarrassing to tell. We could also uncover difficulties or gaping wounds in our own lives.

But, what if looking only at appearances is like living with the lights off, and we can barely make out what is going on?!

What if the stakes are high, and we stand to lose everything when we do not learn to listen, see, dialogue, and observe more with people?

People have so much to offer.

We are part of the living dead when we do not invest in others. People are treasure troves of knowledge and experiences. Side note: I am not hereby claiming that people are to be interpreted or used merely as a means towards some goal.

I am honored to be bestowed any part of anyone's life story. We are not made isolated, non-relational beings. We thrive and flourish when we commune with others. We, as people, are taken to depths we would otherwise be unable to traverse. This is where we should live, invested in the lives of others.

I dare to embark on the unpredictable, by going beyond appearances, to help us freely and truly be ourselves.