Clouded Vision and Gaining Clarity

I didn't mind the wet, blurry windshield. I found it beautiful.

That would not have been a welcome sight, had I been maneuvering in my vehicle.

That got me to thinking about how this clouded vision is akin to a couple of matters in my life: my profession and the fiction novel I am currently writing.

A Profession, an Occupation

I went through the requisite schooling to become an academic. I thought I was paving the road to becoming an academic. Life circumstances and desert conditions of academia have forced me to revisit what I will do with my education and my life.

Not that I will never be an academic.

But now, I am realizing that my focused educational background plays a crucial role in other ways: public speaking and writing (not limited to academic endeavors).

I am going into uncharted, unfamiliar territories. Making my own path is not necessarily a symptom of failure; playing an active role in shaping my profession is okay.

Writing this Novel

The process of writing has been excited, adventurous, frustrating, slow, intense, sometimes dry and thwarted, complete with a steep learning curve.

There have been times where my writing has stalled or stopped completely for one reason or another. The longer the period between writing, the more doubtful I sometimes grow in the project I am endeavoring to complete.

Insofar as writing is concerned, what has worked best for me is setting a schedule for completion. For awhile, I had stopped writing according to any schedule. What will be most helpful for the time being, is to commit to revising a chapter a week. Working to complete that goal, rather focusing on how cluttered, hectic, and demanding my daily schedule is, will help.

The Grouchy Butterfly

Plenty of life's worthwhile experiences come with difficulties, struggles, and pain.

Training and Pain

Cutting teeth. I still have memories of itching gums and experiencing pain from new teeth emerging (through the gums).

Figuring out how to read. Sounding out letters, putting together sounds, and attempting to pronounce words, is maddening, when one wants to be able to read and speak right away. After learning to pronounce words and read sentences, more obstacles come. One has to figure out what sentences collectively are communicating. Learning to read is not cake.

Training for a sport. I remember years of tennis lessons, camps, private lessons, practicing. Running suicides, strength training, learning to shuffle from base line to base line, running forwards and backwards from the mid-line to the base line, training the body (and hand-eye) coordination to hit balls to particular spots on the court involved a lot of sweat, sheer exhausting effort, and dedication.

Learning to play an instrument. I started taking piano lessons when I was four and a half years old and continued through high school (and then some private piano for credit at the university). Practicing scales and arpeggios, finding ways to effectively and beautifully play through trouble spots in pieces, minding dynamics, working on playing technique was boring, frustrating, painful, at times.

Learning about oneself and maturing as a person is no cup of tea. I am giving a talk on identity tonight. There is too much to be said to include a concise summary here. Suffice to say that truly learning about oneself, to start; takes patience, discerning, self-reflection.

All for Something Better

We invite and endure such struggle and pain, with the expectation that the finished product is well worth the investment.

With teeth, we can enjoy so many more varieties of deliciously tasty food.

With the ability to read, we are less limited and have so much more access to the world.

There is something to be said about mastering a sport. By 'mastering' a sport, I don't mean becoming a world-famous athlete. In the process of immersing oneself in a sport well, one has to take care of the body in many ways: eating well, looking after the heart through cardiovascular training, toning one's muscles, training the mind to work with the body. A person's body is being refined and molded.

As for music, I have so much fondness associated with music. Though the years of practicing and competing were tough on different levels, the diligent effort has allowed me to express myself through music (and other arts), be an accompanist, and enjoy communicating through music.

Regarding personal growth and maturity, I am not afraid to identify or examine my feelings. That is not to say there are feelings I do not particularly enjoy or appreciate, whether sadness, despair, loneliness, feeling alone, or anger. Through the ongoing process of getting to know myself and growing, I have gained a much more robust and meaningful understanding of who I am.

My Pain of Writing

My struggle and pain for today is pressing forward with writing. 

Figuring out how to communicate the underlying message in the book through showing and not telling, learning to prune without cutting out vital information, encouraging and being generous with the creative, inviting the imaginative out to play, keeping in mind all of life's lessons whilst writing, allowing the characters' personalities to take their unique forms, believing I have something worthwhile to share.

Balancing my daily responsibilities (which keep me running nonstop, with precious little sleep) with writing is difficult. I have yet to figure out how to do that well.

Yet, I am attempting to hold steadfast on to the hope that my work of fiction will not merely make or a good read but will transform lives.

Listening or Being Heard

From early on in life, I have enjoyed talking. Talking, talking, talking. I cannot recall the particular mélange of comments I offered. That period screeched to a sudden and grinding halt, when I found out speaking one's mind was disruptive whilst teaching was going on in the classroom or whilst others' voices were in seeming dire need of being heard. As much as I basked in sharing my fascinations and discoveries like an unbridled, exciting adventure, I treasured even more offering a listening ear to others.

Through the years, I have learned that providing a listening ear, that is productive and helpful, takes much shaping and refining. A wide array of unplanned, difficult experiences has helped towards that endeavor. Discerning between speaking just to fill stumbling, awkward silence or sharing to add redemptive pieces has not been a mere option. I have been on the receiving end of plenty of unfiltered word-vomit to grasp the significance of that.

But, for a time now, I have been traveling on a course less traveled, one challenging me to better balance listening to others and sharing matters of consequence. After being unaccustomed to making my unique mosaic and pronounced voice heard, I have to get past unbidden feelings of guilt.

Looking forward, my challenge is to write and speak (or paint and photograph) with an ear (or eye or mind) that has heard and filtered well. The work of fiction that is in the making needs to be written with much discernment and care. Though book is a work categorized as fantasy, not geared towards children but adults, the message that will be communicated is life-changing and life-giving;

and I must make sure I utilize and hone my listening skills as I pen every word, every character, every plot piece.

It's too early to feel defeated

It is day 4 of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), wherein those who are taking on the crazy challenge will complete 50,000 words in 30 days (November 1st to November 30th).

I've been outlining the chapters for this book since early August, working on characters, and developing the plot and subplots. Through the support and offerings of scholarship and friends, I was able to attend a fiction writer's workshop at the end of October. I had been thinking about the contents for the book for a couple of years. Inasmuch as someone could prepare for such an intense writing challenge, I did my homework.

But, I have felt naked and exposed in this challenge. Ill-equipped. Unprepared.

Up through yesterday, I made my writing quota, only by the skin of my chin. And it wasn't pretty. On night, I was up until 3:30 am; and another, until 4 am.

Most days, I do not have time to write until 8 or 9 pm, and by then, I am spent. Busy people who keep hectic schedules find my daily grind exhausting, just hearing about my day's work and responsibilities. It is now 9 pm, and I am only now sitting down to eat dinner. And, I haven't written one word for the challenge. Not one.

I haven't shared the really crazy part. I'm risking a lot by focusing all my spare energy on this endeavor. I am not just hoping to take a hobby to uncharted territory. I am taking a huge risk in my approach to this, and my livelihood sort of depends on it.

My obligations over the next few weeks is even more insane than this week.

I need a miracle. I need help.

Setting Up for Successful Writing

I am not about to offer an all inclusive list for successful writing.

Rather, here I sit, after sleeping only 2-3 hours last night and I have a headache that cannot be ignored. My writing goal for the day is at least 2,000 words (the words used to write this blog post do not count). Though I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning trying to meet my goal for yesterday, I was around 200 words shy of complete yesterday's goal. Merely three days into my thirty day challenge and I am already 200 words behind. I am determined to make up for that.

I don't have time to nap. That option is out.

Instead, I am attempting to set myself up for fruitful writing today by -

• Stay away from distractions. My house is full of distractions: dirty laundry to be washed, vegetables that need to be cooked, clutter that needs tending, a bed that is lonely for company, kitties that need attention. For me, the coffee shop is the perfect place to work. I cannot concentrate in any space that is quiet, such as a library. A coffee shop is just enough noise to keep me content, and I can tune out (the noise) when needed.
• Do not analyze my writing. Given I have little time in a day to devote exclusively to writing and that my daily writing goal is not small, I need to put the petal to the metal. Or, rather, I need to keep my fingertips moving along the keyboard. Successfully completing this 30 day challenge, NaNoWriMo, will give me a complete first draft when all is said and done on November 30. I am certainly no Goethe. My first draft will most likely NOT be my final draft. Getting the ideas on paper is more important than having everything perfect the first time.
• Stay hydrated. Thankfully, today is a caffeine day. I'm not sure how I would be alert or clear-headed enough to write otherwise. Need loads of water to counter the caffeine. Even on non-caffeinated days, hydration is important. Lots of caffeine. Even more water.
• Eat well. Eating is important; it is fuel for the brain. When I tell my students that part of exam preparation involves sleeping well and eating well, they are shocked. Yes, the brain needs nourishment to function well. Providing nourishment for the brain does not mean eating junk food. Eating foods high in protein are helpful. The food I packed for working this morning include: mi-fen (rice noodles) with shrimp and greenery - pictured below, yogurt, and fresh fruit (strawberries, blueberries, a banana).

• Set realistic goals and give myself accolades for the progress I make (instead of being hard on myself for not accomplishing more - which is what I tend to do).

Looking for a Rhythm or Routine that Works

It is nearly the end of day 2 of NaNoWriMo and NaBloPoMo, and I have yet to find a rhythm or routine that works or helps me stay consistent. I need momentum. Or maybe I just need more energy.

Befuddled

Befuddled. Not a state I proudly wear like I would wear a badge of honor. I wish I could say my muddled mind is due to some enticing or delicious drink, but alas, I have no such wild adventures to chase.

Perhaps I could use some quiet and stillness.

Especially after a non-stop, action packed week. However, duty calls; I must write. Where, oh where, can I chance find lucidity, creativeness, and intriguing words to pen?